switchy mode

in an hour or so myself repolarization will long be over. well i spent time at home for the weekend. I was at my hub for thepast two days enjoying every inch of the time i get to spend alone but not literaly alone basta something like alone alone? whatever. anyway i got to wake up late,let my butt heat-up,watch tv, surf the net and eat though not quite because gotta have to take care of my tummy it is kinda vulnerable.

im just chilling now coz i know in the next few minutes i'm back to reality -- yup ill be a nursing student again. hehe. anyway last night i watched freaky friday,i already saw that but it was just last night that i was able to absorb all of it like enjoying it? i did sleep early but not quite around 10 and half well my covers just called me to bed. It was raining and i just so like the weather for the nth time.

anyway! my couz' band is nominated again for the awit awards and i hope you support them!

simply text:

AWIT [space] F [space]2 send to 2600

that's actually for the People's Choice Fave Group Artist...hope you can lend your pennies over... 2 and 50 cents to be exact! hehe :) august 6 is the cut-off date for this. sana manalo ulit.

kinda bored not that apprehensive to switch mode right now just slight. hehe. syempre it's another rotation so i'm pensive but not really pensive it is more of me being skeptical.. hmf. well God knows best! hehe anyway i'm outta here! gotta prepare na :)

break time

earlier this day after class... they,need i enumerate?! lol... invited me to watch The Simpsons on the big screen, im no the simpsons fan but i just accepted it togive myself a break after those self-destructive weeks... hehe i needed one really!

anyway i asked some greentix from my sister coz i ran out uhm not really ran out, i got around a hundred and fifty left... anyway it's her birthday today... happy burpday lil sis! mwuah!

so there after taking lunch at some foodstall near at school, where we ate coz we need particularly me needed to save... hehe we headed for the mall.

as i've said im no fan but i've known the simpsons for years and last seen an episode weeks ago.well who could ever skip to recognize the jaundiced clan. hehe the movie was funny in a way and quite good yet it fall short..hmf ang bilis natapos... hehe as if we were watching an episode in starworld. haha but it was fine not really worthless. After the flick parang nagutom kami so we took our snacks at jollibee it was sadto say that i crave for sundae and it wasn't available toinkz! got myself spaghetti and ice craze.

after which we then had our window shopping and strolling at the mall 'til we got tired and bored so we decided to retire our feet and go home -- i want to sleep actually. As i arrived, my lil bro told me that we will be going to my lola's place coz we will be dining out for my sis' birthday. So i took a bath and changd my shirtand off we go. The weather was so nice! it was gloomy and rain showering from the sky.

it was a bit late when we left to dine out due to the heavy rain fall.Yay! we had our dinner at Inilog Grill,we often dine there... live acoustic sound and ambience so nice and food is quite at par. at last i didn'thave chicken, i only needed three feathers more to go shoo shoo -- fly were ever i would have wanted. I just so love the place especially that the rain poured so hard. hahayz.

i'mkinda sleepy na. luv the weather. sweet night.

the weeks that was

i'm not feeling well today... i nearly spitted out my stomach,i felt it rised awhile ago as i attempted to vomit. geez! i feel bad. i could have slept the whole morning if not for my class which unfortunately fortunately postponed.. yep! unfortunately i had to wake up early with an ache on the top,fortunately though we hadn't had any class this morning and i headed home. Stayed n bed for the rest of the morning til early afternoon when heat embraced my room. i had some episodes of vomiting, a series of trips to the bathroom but all i can let out are clear fluids probably some acid secretions. man! this is just so not good.

while waiting for my next trip to the sink, i'll just emerse myself in contemplating of how the days in the past weeks had gone to rest.
i checked out my blog entries just now and wow its been ages.. toinkz! anyway may be i can start with...hmmm... oops can't recall gahd! my memory just is deteriorating...

anyway it was a week before duty when i knew Ianna, a close friend or shall i say bestfriend daw?! according to another friend, was in the hospital. he had high-grade fever and low platelet count --- DENGUE is here! I got to visit her a little late though since there were a lot of school stuffs going on. Anyway watta perfect timing i was about to be on duty on a monday on the same hospital on the same floor and she was still in the hospital the saturday before with still low platelet count. I prayed though that if ever she will still be there on that monday, i will be assigned to her but i didn't hope though that she will stay that long.

That saturday i visited her as promised, i came a little late though... i came with flowers on hand. Her father was there, i guess her father knew me already but we never really talked. hehe. She had her friend also, uhm knew her also! anyhow i went inside with i dont know feeling --- parang wala lang. it's been awhile actually since i last talk to her.A coupleof friends of her came to visit, though i knew most them andi just kept myself comfortable with somewhat slight uncomfortable instance well it's my innate gift.

Sunday came -- we met our CI and as we expected she was quite firm... pressure just poured on me. 2 other not so amusing news went across --- i wont be my friend's nurse and i am taking two patients. holy crap! 2 patients that hit me like astray bullet. it has been like cobwebs and dust since i last had my ward exposure and gahd help 2 patients. huhuhu. i was worried plus plus we had to meet with my groupmates that afternoon for i couldn't recall reason --- ah! wardclass.. too many requirements, too little time. after going home and taking my lunch and got my things i headedto mcdonalds to meet my groupmates. some were late and weren't i just patiently waited as i was making some of my requirements for the next day -- oops! another oops! it was a monday not a sunday that all of these happened. anyway rae came and someone played the "cover the eyes" trick or probably the "blindfold trick to some. i felt the hand and spit out my wild guess.. toinkz! wrong guess! gosh how can i not be good in guessing...hmf... iturned my back to see who was there... and slowly...imagine me anticipating who was that covered my eyes... i was in awe really! if you could imagine i kinda stuck with a stupid smiling face. I didn't expected it was Ita's hand... well quite fairly yes it could be her hand but who could have thought she was coming over. i just can't tear my smile off. after like 4 long years of not seeing her, she was infront of me. well she grew up to be a fine lady, gorgeous need i mention. it was a little awkward but it was good awkward moment. There goes my day.

Tuesday... damn! i was late or shall i say our clinical instructor was darn early! hehe.. i had some errands but as what everyone says "charge to experience!" and to my luck they chose my patient t be our subject for our case study. hmf.

Wednesday just came along just fine.

Thursday no class yet i had to meet my group for our case study.

Friday was a long day but not quite. what was bullshitty yet i didn't mind was the oversensitivity and i don't know how to call it behaviour of people around me. anyway the hell i care it was over the top crap that i need not to deal with anyway i ain't guilty. haha

Saturday: Preliminary Exams day! My mind is so congested with things.The upcoming CP and duty and this exam... i was tooparalyzed to move, not anything that i read was absorbed. I decided to make some of my written requirements as for me not to be idle and somehow be productive. I went to exam with some stock knowledge and tons of worries. I decided to offer my groupmates, i asked them if they were willing to then we can have our overnight at our place just to keepour case study moving. We assumed the deadline was monday since prsentation day was tuesday so we don't have anytime to complete it. Everyone seemed to agree yet i just hate some people complicating things but heck anyway i met our CI and good news -- tuesday morning was the DEAD-line.

I slept for three hours probably -- half asleep actually 1/4 maybe. when i woke up sunday after taking a nap when my groupmates left the house at 4:30 in the morning,i felt unsatisfied, lightheaded as if for the last 3 hours i was fooling myself i was asleep and was just closing my eyes. anyway i had my assessment... on my way i talked to God! Serious talk that is and promised nbasta its for me to keep prayer really works i tell you.

i had just my recent trip to the sink... i just vomited my bowel out.anyway back to normal.haha. i asked my lil bro to spread some oil on my abdomen in the hope of feeling better. now where was i?

oh yeah! i headed to the hospital and thank god! i had one patient. it was a relief on my part. after assessment,i headed to church i didn't wait for the mass to start though since it will be an hour after and i don't have enough time to finish my requirements by then but yeah prayers do work and i can attest to that a million times.

monday came and everything went well on the course of my duty. my client pala is a premiere architect in cagayan de oro years ago and he knew my grandparents. he undergone a surgery (TURP) that day and quite amazing that he wasn't reluctant and was calm prior to surgery.he even joked at me when i asked him if he was nervous.. he motioned as if trembling in fright. after our duty i told my groupmates that we have to work for the rest of the afternoon and everyone seemed to agree.. oh damn i forgot i was broke... i needed money and everyone seemed to be on the same track goodthing though one groupmate offered and paid her the next morning. we had to stay at vince's house til around 10pm just to finish our paper and heck wether we like it or not it should be done. i arrived at home around 11pm and not noticing the time, with my printer playing a trick on me and not cooperating i started to make my requirements not until i was done that i printed our paper and by then the printer worked accordingly. To my surprise it was already 2:30 in the morning, so i slip to my bed and woke up at around 5am.

whew was i early! as if i didn't sleep late i had enough energy for the day... i shrugged my self off the worries and didn't mind anything... it was a good day really atleast for me... i just accepted what the day has to offer... and not long we ended our duty and had our case presentation which was a flop but on the brighter side we're done. i went home,ate, took a bath and sleep.

i overslept... 13 hours but its all good. i had to be at school at one for our wardclass but then it was postponed since our class was tasked to decorate for the seminar that night and so we did but what could you expect with a 300 peso budget.. tsk tsk tsk anyway we just did the best we could with what was available and it turned out not that nice for my standards. too little time for a tight a budget!

anyway we ended 8:30pm and had to meet papa at some grill house to get money coz i was really really broke... i ran out. with 60 pesos on my pocket i headed there and texted him that i was coming but what i hated was that i was first to arrive...he told me to just order for my dinner and wait for him but that bothered me a lot, what if he wont come? should i do the dishes? grr.. anyway minutes seemed to be longer than i expected. i ordered and kept waited and finally he arrived, i was super duper relieved but my order is yet to come.

he had his visitor from Oroqueta City and i transfered to their table and ate while they discuss bout their business --- some meehee meehee goat business. Not long before i finished my plate that my papa proposed that i had to go home because it was late already and so i went. yey! i took a cab home per his suggestion. hehe

and that was it! not quite long... hehe.

13hours

The other week i was really stressed out and totally wrecked maybe because i am pressured by my own fears and apprehensions. I was too preoccupied with so many things really... our duty, our case presentation wherein it was my client which was chosen by the group and we had our preliminary examination.

here's my learning feedback diary for my 2nd week of duty which was ironically good, better than last week.

"More than the nursing concepts and realities of the nursing world, this rotation has taught me about life per say. We have fears and if at a point we come face to face with it we tend to curl up and run away from it but it’s not all about running away, because for all we know all it takes is one step and after that, we outgrew the fear and we come to realize that we can and we are to do it. Sometimes though we become fearful not being it’s our first encounter but because at some point we failed to conquer it. One thing I learned is that it’s okay to be fearful but as we go along let’s not runaway and rather face it even if it means shaking and perspiring a little bit. Life is all about perspective, if we see it as a problem it would be a problem or if we think we can’t do it then we got loss of that chance of proving we can do it. I went to duty on the 2nd week hoping and thinking that it would be all fine for me and it indeed turned out to be fine and smooth sailing. I was receptive to what ever the day has to offer and took it as it, not over thinking of what’s worst to come.

As we go along we meet different personas, stronger or weaker than our own. Sometimes we jive and sometimes we clash yet it’s not about who overshadows who rather it is how we accept and tag along with one another. If one is stronger let us not paralyze ourselves, let us prove that we have endurance and with it alone we are able to show that we also have strength. There are also instances that we come to work with others like my peers, I guess one important thing is that we gotta see what is common to all of us rather than looking at our individual differences to be able to work harmoniously. With that we are able use our individual strengths hand in hand to achieve our goals. In the process we are able to build relationships and we become sensitive to our colleagues. A tap at the back, a hug a sense of concern and comfort when fears and stress envelopes us or sharing of smiles and laughter is all we need for us to keep going.

To be able to really maximize an exposure we must put ourselves to others, to better understand and to give the best we could ever have. No matter how stressed we already are, if we think of our clients and their own stresses, we are able to realize how blessed we are.

Life is not all about first impressions and her say, first impressions do last if we can only be broad minded. These sometimes congest our minds and piles up our fears which stop us from learning, growing and moving forward. We become consumed that we are vulnerable and weak. Thus we never see the brighter side of life.

More than anything else, the best consolation is seeing our clients happy of our presence and learning from a rotation that I never thought I could possibly endure."

it is such a 360 degree experience for me -- yep! so mind shaking and emotionally crumbling weeks but in the end it was all worth it. What paid the dues really is when my client appreciates my being. I'm so lively now, after a week of stressful wrath. hehe I overslept today... 13 hours of sweet sleep, how's that?

mental torture

So little time so much things to do... i'm pressured to max! This isn't my world beybi! yet for the longest time i fooled myself that i can do it,that i can own this world but in the end nothing has changed a lot.

it's been awhile since i blogged in and there were so many things that had happened, some good things and a dump of not so good ones. I just can't enumerate it right now since at 5pm i need to take our preliminary examination.

For like 4 years, i tried to cover up the gaps, frustrations and everything the slowly consumed my esteem. I tried to fool myself that i can do it though i know deep inside that i can't for the sake of others. For the people who believed that I can, for the people who tried to build me up to an individual that I knew I'm not and i'll never be-- For those who have supported me. In that 4 years i've struggled a lot,so much but basically in my silence i wept alone and seek comfort in my small world. It's been a tag of war between myself and others.

I knew that I can't do it anymore but i tried to stretched myself out for every reason that came across. Today, still the same struggle evelopes myself... im not that afraid of where will I go next and how i continue my life because I know I am better of in other fields but i am afraid of the justifications that I must say that only I can understand.

I'm tired of the mental torture that i have undergone uptodate -- more than anything else this has drained what was left in me. I don't know until when will i fool myself that i can still live in a world that i don't belong -- Maybe until i break myself into pieces or maybe until everyone realize that i am dead trying to revive my own.

I'm tired and really really tired, if only i have the gutts to stop the time maybe just maybe i had my relief a long time ago. i created my own misery... i created my fate... i created my death.

toinkz!

i just realize now that my lil gadget here is kinda' cool... reformatted this a month ago i think nagtaka ako kc lumiit ung memory and guess what di nawala ung files ko pla... yay! galing dba! it was stored pala still hmmm but this realization just prove how dumb about techie stuff. hehe.

anyway the whole day was gloomy saya nga eh,we didn't have our lecture early kanina sayang lang pagpunta ng school ng maaga but what can we do, we did went to mass unfortunately since it was announced late to us so we end up staying outside the the parish. i'mno aethiest or anti-religion but for me better not go to mass if you don't intend to go to mass. hehe. i admit i'm no religious in going to mass really but in my own way i prove to God that i look up to him.

I didn't really had the move to socialize today. i spoke less about anything except towards the unjustified ruling of dress code at school. well it poured out criticism fromalmost all students. it was fine but sana the implementation wasn't that abrupt and that they should have been more definite to what to wear. here's the deal, they don't allow students wearing "slippers" to get inside but what their definition of "slippers" was the problem. Slippers for the guards are anything and everything thongs. imagine even wedges and other obviously classified as sandals were not allowed to get in. duh! to ban flats might be much acceptable. a lot of people i knew weren't allowed to get in, Dana nakakatawa she had no choice but gamitin ung sandals ng dad niya! hahaha Charcoal is not allowed! ano ba yan! buti nalang ayos pa din tingnan sa kanya ung sandals ng dad niya. some had to go home and get changed hahayz kakaaliw ung isang guard na lalake dun,he insisted pa na wag daw magloloko ung students kc daw alam nya kung ano ang slippers sa hindi, ano pa daw kaya ung mga students na mga babae. hahaha. ganun ba yun! tsk tsk

our class postponed since as i've said we went to mass - first friday of the month, it was moved later today. During the lecture wala lang terms seemed simplier than i thought before. mas naintindihan ko ung topics bout arrhythmias. hehe. anyway ewan ko kung matutuwa ako o hindi, ung instructor kc keeps on like bragging in away and basta tinatarget nya ng tinatarget ung old school ko kahit naman lumipat na ko i still have the loyalty. naks! go ateneo! haha. umulan lang the rest of the day, i had my taxi syndrome na naman grrr. i slept in the afternoon stress seemed to pile up lang talaga. kakapagod. hahayz.

suppah!

The start of week was shaky really. I was in the verge of wrecking my self. haha. btaw it was our first duty and i just can't get my feet. it was supah circus ride of emotions but in the end it was quite fullfiling. anyway copy+paste ko nalang from my learning feedback diary kc tinatamad na ko magsulat. hehe. I had my graveyard shift for two days (sunday and monday) at the ICU (Intensive Care Unit) of some local hospital.

For the first day which was sunday night, kinda kabado talga super kung pwede lang wag na pumunta eh. hehe.

" I was really scared yesterday, after a year and 1 month I'm back having my regular duty and for the first time I am to be exposed in an Intensive Care Unit.Butterflies in my stomach is an understatemen,If I were to describe what I felt which really escalated a few hours before duty. I didn't know what to expect,I just submitted myself to the reality that whether I am ready or not, I have to go on duty. After doing the initial vital signs, able to give 12mn medications and do the HGT, I felt relieved and quite relaxed. I learned that sometimes it takes just one step then we're on it, I mean no matter how nervous we are and apprehensive if we take a little courage on our side we will be able to cross the bridge and everything will be fine for us -- everything will take its pace. It takes a small dose of courage. Being in the grave yard shift is not really new to me, I've been on duty in the wee hours of the night when I had my OR and DR exposure and really it's not a problem since I am a night person also."

i went home and got BP of my grandparents and nakatulog ako 'til 1pm, then i worked on my requirements then on for the duty that night. my second day though went so so fine.

" Though I wasn't that confident, I was calm for the second day. We exchange
roles with partner this time, I was the charge nurse and that some kinda
bothered me for awhile since I was kinda scared that I wouldn't meet the
deadline and be able to give justice to the responsibility given to me.I
went to duty so-so i mean kinda ready kinda not. hehe. I just prepared for
what I saw coming and was open to things which may happen unexpectedly.I
had prepared my sample charting and a kardex that i am comfortable using --
well it doesnt mean that if one thing is being said you'll conform to that
we can find our own path which leads to the same end result may be that's
the essence of nursing as an art.Anyway my kardex did worked for me
and wasn't lost when it was timefor me to trace the activities we had during
my shift."

me and my partner finished early talaga. whew! quite a relief. I went home with so much energy kc not just we finished early and we didn't had any problems dealing with computations of IV and I&O but also we felt the gratitude from our client. hehe. though for me ayaw ko palipat ng ER, which i will be next week,i have to. sarap ng feeling na nagugustohan ka ng client mo. hahayz. hope we can visit her next week.

i woke up around 11am, nakatulog ako and di ako ginising. grr. i went up and started to prepare kc i had to work on the courtesy call letter which we will be needing the next day. i run out of ink so i had to print it out sa malapit na icafe sa hospital where our instructor was having her duty.

ayun i went their arund 1pm and shux! to my surprise sarado ang icafe, so i walked to the next block at nagbakasakali na meron, but after like 4 or 5 blocks sa kakilala ko na icafe ako nakapagprint. damn! sana sumakay ako at dumiretso dun! anyway i hurriedly went to the hospital and got it signed, i then went to school to check on the other signatories it was around 4pm already when i got it all signed.
i then bought some stuffs for my duty the next day.

yun and I had my Community rotation for the 3rd day na kay layo layo.. hahayz so busy i was bombarded by all the writing stuffs and some responsibilities. I am so thankful though that I got someone to be on my side. hehe. You know who you are thanks talaga, i'll make up to you pag di na busy. Suppah thanks i know i don't deserve you really. naks! drama! as if i own you lol. haha. btaw thanks much!

ala pelikula

it was passed dusk when i woke up froman afternoon dusk. I just felt myself about to cry -- the feeling of air going passing through my nasal cavity, somewhat rough but kinda same similar to deep breathing is what woke me up. I woke up from a dream, kinda real but too cinematic for reality. there were so much gaps in that dream and the in my earlier memory, it started when a friend, Dana went to go out to buy some load. I followed and what occupied the vast landscape are busy streets high rise buildings on the draft and what seemed a market place in front of us. People watching some tube and gamble forwhat it seemed like a sports or something i just coudn't glimpse of it, all i know they were quite noisy and nosy, somewhat drunk and kinda' "bagong laya / sunog baga" people. Some people were busy on their own stuffs unpacking or packing their panindas, i can't really visualize now as far as my blunt memory and wild imagination can picture out, the place wasn't that crowded anymore.I was going after her trying to convince her that it wasn't inany way safe to go by her own and nagtetext pa -- not to mention she's an eye candy. haha.

btaw ayun after she got her load we were about to passed by the same group of people when biglang nagkagulo over that said tube. hmmm seemed cinematic ayt? i lead Dana to a route para makaiwas sa gulo but then to our surprise comingtowards us ay nagpapatayan and bang! a gun shot... i saw the bullet it was in slow but brief motion and all i saw was Dana with a bleeding left arm. I was in shock but after a few cycle of breaths i came to my consciousness and shouted for help. Asking her also to stay alive and saying my apologies to her. help came and the authorities came to pick ung mga barumbado up -- it was a relief. There were 3 other harmed civilians near us but an army of some sort went to us and ask that they need to bring some for some reason i coudn't recall.

Yun dinala na kami sa truck and we travelled,i saw some familiar faces on the same truck and they were talking bout this somewhat secret society they wherein. It wasn't clear then where we were heading, me and Dana just sat there without any clue where we were going but rest assured Dana's fine. Not so long when we arrived in an area, somewhat like a boot camp but not really it is more of a compound, but kinda weird those familiar faces didn't even talk to me -- as if we didn't knew each other and then i just played their game, i just held on Dana's hand and walk our way to the shed.

All the while i was listening to conversations i came to puzzle piece by piece on my mind, this was a secret society, wherein we can't go back to our families. We will be trained and live their for the rest of our lives. No one will know except us and that our families would actually know that we are alive yet we stow away fromthem by choice.

From there, it jumped several years after,i was in my lola's house with one of those familiar faces. I asked her if i could visit my family but then she told me my family moved out from our house several months ago and left for an apartment. reality struck me, i missed them and i was about to cry when i was awaken. now i got teary-eyed.sigh.

hahayz. basically that was it. :)