mental torture

So little time so much things to do... i'm pressured to max! This isn't my world beybi! yet for the longest time i fooled myself that i can do it,that i can own this world but in the end nothing has changed a lot.

it's been awhile since i blogged in and there were so many things that had happened, some good things and a dump of not so good ones. I just can't enumerate it right now since at 5pm i need to take our preliminary examination.

For like 4 years, i tried to cover up the gaps, frustrations and everything the slowly consumed my esteem. I tried to fool myself that i can do it though i know deep inside that i can't for the sake of others. For the people who believed that I can, for the people who tried to build me up to an individual that I knew I'm not and i'll never be-- For those who have supported me. In that 4 years i've struggled a lot,so much but basically in my silence i wept alone and seek comfort in my small world. It's been a tag of war between myself and others.

I knew that I can't do it anymore but i tried to stretched myself out for every reason that came across. Today, still the same struggle evelopes myself... im not that afraid of where will I go next and how i continue my life because I know I am better of in other fields but i am afraid of the justifications that I must say that only I can understand.

I'm tired of the mental torture that i have undergone uptodate -- more than anything else this has drained what was left in me. I don't know until when will i fool myself that i can still live in a world that i don't belong -- Maybe until i break myself into pieces or maybe until everyone realize that i am dead trying to revive my own.

I'm tired and really really tired, if only i have the gutts to stop the time maybe just maybe i had my relief a long time ago. i created my own misery... i created my fate... i created my death.