uncertainties

it has been like a month or so that i've been trying to patch up things with you after 4 long years of silence. trying to cover the gaps between us, i wanted to correct my mistakes but i know i no longer can correct it,it has been done, you have your life now. it could have been easier if i had the courage that until know i just can't seem to gather. i guess what was unsaid before, we were able to somehow tackle. i thought that was all it that i needed from you, i thought that i just want closure to that part of us. i know from that moment that i left you hanging that i owe you an apology.i did my apologies but never did i thought that subconsciously i wanted you back. yep i really want you back but i know i cant have you.
I just can't figure what's going on your mind right now, im scared i have to admit, im scared because i know that it may not turn out the way i want it to be.

when you left for somewhere i dont know, i didn't want you to go... why? because just because maybe when you come back everything would be different. either you will be left hanging or me will be left hanging. there are so many uncertaintities that crossed my mind though i know of one fact, i might not be that someone.

5 days has passed and to be honest i'm preoccupied by things, by uncertainties. i had long days as i've said before you left. I don't know what friday holds me,i don't know what would happen by then. i just hope that i will be having the same courage, as what i have today or probably much greater.

i dont know how everything will be, some questions may probably be left unanswered. Hurt is inevitable whether or not we take risks-- it is there, it is bound to be felt. Im scared but i know it would be all worth. As I've said I fall when I fall, and here i am falling for someone and not knowing where this falling leads me -- all i know is that i felt it the way it should be, not forced not preempted.

this might be karma for what i've done, but the hell with karma. With everything that had been happening, i came to realize that i want you here. i realize that you are a part of my system. i realize that i want you badly. :|

tuesdays

i heard it since highschool, Tuesdays with Morrie but just now that i was able to seat and read it. I am proud to say that it is my 3rd book, 3rd that i read from cover to cover. I've heard this a couple times since highschool and im glad i was able to find time after all "there is no such thing as too late".

we were about to go home when i saw a sight on this one at my grandmother's house, it's my aunts and so i asked to borrow it. it was great reading the book, though i didn't had much of the not-drop-the-book feeling, i was eager to finish it and i did finish it in a span of two days i guess. wow! with a preoccupied mind, i was able to get connected with the book.

anyway i started reading it that very night i borrowed it but then slept since i needed to,i was tired and i had to wake up early since i need to accompany my younger sister to the city, she was to join a parade as part of the activities of the city fiesta,i'll be blogging about it soon. I decided to bring the book with me and i was able to pass time productively by reading though not intently.

My mind preoccupied,my body stagnated. I just didn't feel moving the whole day. I did went online and somehow release some tensions inside me with a friend but then she was busy with work so i decided to read and read unknowingly i was about to cover every page of the book.

Funny though when i just felt some congestion on my nose and my tears accumulated and started falling for i dont exactly know reason, it just did and started feeling affected by the words written on the book. hahayz. it had an impact on me. super i just couldn't say how or why. hahayz it is definitely a nice book. Hope u can read it urself. if you've read it and haven't appreciated it as much as i did then read it sometime until you finally see yourself shedding emotion.

trivia:i finished reading the whole book on a tuesday :)

happy death

Today, my lola passed away.. 82 years of probably happy years, why probably? because she's the only person who can attest to the happiness or fulfillment that she could have felt in her lifetime.

it's past 2:30am in the morning, 8hours after she expired, and infront of me is her casket. i never really cried, after getting some groceries i waited for my lil bro from school, my lola was weak lying on the hospital bed.

it was 5 or so when we left home as my lola was grasping for breath the priest made his final prayers and softly but deeply made a sign of the cross at the old woman's forehead and finally she rested after 82 years.
-august 17, 2:30am

it's been 11 days since the old woman in her early 80s passed and i guessed everyone moved on. well actually i don't wanna sound nosy but i think everyone has accepted it since day 1. i really didn't cry hard,yes shed tears but not until the internment. Tears not of sorrow nor happiness but tears because somehow the supposedly gaps were remembered, memories that were left unrecalled until that day.

It was a happy death, yes you read it right -- a happy death. It was a death that was accepted, a death that percieved as better, my grandmother had a peaceful death somehow.

I was catching my breath after climbing the ramp and stairs alternately as we approached the room, i was with my brother. He opened he door, silence was in the air and i heard my uncle said "wala na c lola".I didn't know what i felt, i didn't got teary eyed, it was as if normal as if it was anticipated. i had my goodbyes and kissed her on the forehead. it wasn't a typical mourning family -- yes we were silent but we managed to smile, we managed to laugh.

It was nearly midnight when she was finally placed in a casket. It was my first to view the process and i did had the courage to stay after all that was my lola. It was my first to my father shed tears, i didn't know what to do, i was just there silent. the wake lasted for 5 days and i was there for the entire duration, i go home though early morning to take a bath -- sorry! i have to and i just can't take a bath anywhere else. hehe.

Probably many were and would be shock if they would be able to witness the whole wake. Weird but yeah our family is that cool. hehe. Internet yeah yeah we have that and my cousins would laughed hard watching some youtube funny vidz. Jokes and jokes -- related to my grandmother,death or anything under sun, just filled the room day by day as if it was a typical family day. i dunno that's who we are -- some psycho family disorder probably. haha.

Well what's good when someone dies, sorry to those i offend, is that family and friends got to have this some sort of an unplanned but a bit compulsive reunion. hehe. i met some of my 2nd degree cousins,aunties and uncles whom i never met and i couldn't remember. I was able to "bless" to my tito and titas and some of my ninongs and ninangs whom i could no longer recognize because they had not religiously given me my presents. lol loko lang. Yes it is quite amusing yet unfortunately my lola couldn't anymore see our smiles, the events that succeeded after her death.

it was a happy death, as i would and will always describe it.

i don't get it : \

I just don't get how can a person become so insensitive, subconciously selfish and considerably inconsiderate. Basic thing, if you know that you are apart of the outcome, then you move,do whatever you can do. I mean i don't think humans are too dumb to oversee the need to lend a hand or two for the sake of one's self. hahayz.

freedom or independence is a chance for us to prove our integrity, our choices define us, our decisions makes up perceptions of who we are and some lose these chances.

to be honest i am annoyed by people who doesn't really think of what other's could have possibly sacrificed. I know i can't compare one from the other since we are individuals and as individuals we are too different to be compared to one another but the thing is, if we use all our senses we need not be imposed,we are ourselves would realize what is in need, it is when prioritization comes.

i know life couldn't be fair by itself, but we can make it fair enough.

my weakness really is my being weak when it comes to imposing. Others may say its being safe, yes it might be the safe side but its the best thing to do. why?

1.) if you impose, everyone reacts with bias,not thinking why was it impose not seeing the long term benefits and closing their minds with it as a hindrance to whatever they wanted.

2.) if you impose, bargaining enters into the picture.

bargaining can be tricky, that you just want to avoid,why?

1.) when someone bargains,you listen
2.) when you listen,you try to weigh things
3.) if you allow for its validity, everyone else seek to bargain
4.) then again you listen
5.) when you listen, you try to weigh things
6.) if not really valid,then what? all the blurting out takes place!

i just so hate it. i'm tired.
i just dont get it why parents dont allow their young adults to work overtime when in fact they know the background, they sent their children to school so why won't parents understand for god sake.
i just don't get it why others can afford to relax as in relax while others are working because of urgency.
i just don't get it why others can be so insensitive! darn! i hate this.

i don't intend to put myself into pedistal, i admit i have failures, i accept and recognize what i am not whether positive or negative. It's just that we are too different, that it's who they are and this is who i am and this is about expanding ourselves in certain limits.

emergency!

can't sleep yet so i opted to blog in nalang. i had my duty kanina and it went well naman. this is the nth time that proved that i dont need pressure and stiffness for me to do good. yup! everything went smooth as i had my emergency room exposure. it was boring at first, it was my first time to be on duty at Sabal Hospital. When the clock striked 6 half,one by one patients were sucked like magnet into the ER. One after another the patient's arrived and gahd im blessed daming procedures and we were previleged to do it ourselves. We did what we were supposed to do as nurses and not just students. hehe. yeah! we were like full pledged nurses kanina katuwa nga eh pwede na ding doctor. haha.

froma bleeding man fresh from a vehicular accident to a simple case of fever, we were in action literally. I'm so happy coz atleast my esteem is being boost by this. hehe. we did everything our way with no restrictions what so ever and really i can say this suites me best. i am learning without fear and it feels good -- no apprehensions, no shaky episodes,no diaphoresis haha. i had done a lot of things really hahayz my adrenaline is just so high but this isn't the reason why i am still awake.

grrr.. i just so hate it. i mean do i have to always remind everyone that we don't have all the time in the world. kainis lang talaga though i'm not the kind din kc who impose something as much as possible i wanna consider and accomodate any of their requests but sometimes there being insensitive gets in the way. i like my group, there's no doubt bout that. i can laugh with them, joke with them but then what bothers me a lot is there "work ethic" as what vince termed. i mean gahd! they dont have the sense of urgency. hahayz. on wednesday we will be having our feeding program at our assigned community and tonight the only sure thing we can produce are the drinks and the containers to think that we only have tomorrow morning to prepare.. err... as the team leader it just gets into my nerves... i dunno i know i have shortcomings coz im not an authority really and i hate arguements and pointless rebuttals. hahayz. kalagot jud!

anyway i dunno they seem doesn't care much really, they just can't sacrifice whatever. hahayz. i just hate when everyone seemed to blurt out to different directions. i yawn nah so i guess hafta lay down nah para atleast i am ready to and can sleep in no time... :)

i'm so high

anyway good things happened this past days... we had our case presentation yesterday and everything just paid off for me atleast. it was high time for me really, i amso glad that it went really well.. yey! isn't enough. hehe. anyway i did the pathophysiology part and i know it was not so me when i took responsibility. hehe. maybe i just really know myself --- iknow when i am able and i am not. i'm just so happy! i had to admit that i was too into the topic and the task. thanks to those who had helped me along the way. My bud vince.. haha dana my female counterpart for all the arguements... and some old folks not really old coz they are just there,they come in a handy.. los go,ianna and mikay!

the rotation wasn't that of a load really to me... we were taught in a way that we become independent,self-reliant and really responsible. this is what suites me best quite loose. anyway i dunno i'm just so darn glad.

after the case presentation we opted to take our dinner but unfortunately we were 5 lang but anyway it was still good times! hehehe the best part is being EVIIILLL.... haha btaw being naughty and nice. i know i am a good guy but i ain't that straight hey! don't get me wrong ayt? what i meant is that i'm not that prim and proper type... i know how to get even with what is needed of me. I can go inside a bar, we didn't went but it was included in the discussion and my female counterpart just wasn't sold out with the bar thing. anyway! i am EVIIILLLL so let's get into the groove and shake the night along inside a bar dan! hahaha lol. hehe btaw.

ayun after dinner we went our separate ways since it was kinda late. my papa texted me that my lola was brought to the hospital for the same reason as last years'. i just went home since i just felt the pain all over. hehe but it was ayt not that serious of a pain.

finally after four long years everything or partially everything has been said... hahayz i hope we could start all ovah!i'm just so so happy but not her because she's having problem with her relationships. toinkz basta long story atleast the loop holes where covered. hope she'll be ayt.

today we visited my lola, and she's not really okey. i hope she will be fine soon. i know i just slept the whole afternoon there pero atleast my presence did mean something somehow. hahayz. will be starting a new rotation tomorrowhope it will be atleast fine.

nga pala had dinner together with my cousins, it's beboy's bday tomorrow! happy burpday cuz! belated to my cousin ate ayn din pala. hehe.. that's it as of today i guess!

take the test too!

ei guyz! feel free to try to check out this test... uhm no pressure included! if u knew me years years or a minute ago, it doesn't really matter :) uhm this is all about knowing me well and some basic instincts!

Create your own Friend Test here

i too did answer a set of questions made by a friend and surprisingly i got 2 mistakes and it is just out of doubting my instinct! yep ishould have gotten everything right. hehe. The catch is i knew her more than some of her old friends geez! that's something. haha i mean basically friendship is not about the years of knowing one another but it is about connections -- it is about the value of the seconds and minutes u spend and take note it doesn't really mean being with one anothe physically... dba jhe?! thanks for introducing me pala with this webby add-on if it is considered such... hehe

time

today we didn't had any class... where should i start bah? cge with the bad news nalang well this made my day really. i was about to go to school when i found myself without any greentix. waaah! yep i dont have anything in my wallet that early. i just couldnt explain pano, the night before i placed all of my money incluiding coins inside my wallet i didn't even realize tili noticed that my desk clock wasn't there anymore. quite weird when infact it was too early. not long before i cant find my wrist watch either. tsk tsk tsk.

the scenario: my things were all on top of my desk the night before and i slept a bit late with door locked. I woke up around like 5:30am and transfered to the tv area and took a generous nap for like one hour and headed to prepare.. and did i mention that i left my roomopen by that time. hahayz.


anyway i just didn't really dwell on that kc masisira lang talaga araw ko. as i went to skul kamusta naman ang bagal nung jeep! hehe then kainis pa ung guard kc ayaw ako papasukin kc wala daw class magsusubmit nga lang eh! what the! naman! i aint coming if i aint have any business! hahayz ayun pinapasok din ako narealize ata na na walang connection ung walang pasok with my purpose in coming to school. in times kanina tinutuboan ako ng sungay! hiya!

as usual hafta face my problem but not really problem problem... my groupies... hmm have to admit na sometimes nakakainis lang tlga sila,they dont seem to see the urgency of things and seemed like they have all the time to walk in the park... grrr they don't see what's in the long run anyway as usual i kept my silence and just listened to some music.

one nice thing that happened today pala was umulan! yey! i slept the whole afternoon.hehe ai nga pala i got to chat with some of the block bs last night! ang saya! uhm wala lang i consider din them kc as my barkada kc wala talaga me barkada tlga.. i have several groups of friends and sila ung i guess pinaka nakakasama ko... ewan di ko maexplain and i just see us growing talga! uhm kc dati it was more of a company kc we dont really talk bout personal stuffs... ngayon we come to share things and talk bout sa buhay buhay namin... issues... basta ang sarap kausap nakakamiss lalona now that i dont get to see them often! thanks kahit ang gugulo natin!

now naman kausap ko sila vince and dana... wala usap usap ng kung ano ano mutual appreciation din hahahahaha! anyway ayos lang naman din ung day kahit ganun nangyari kanina... sayang nga lang talaga! my watch! huhuhu

lesson of the day: we have to make the most of the time we have kc minsan nananakaw din eto. we might end up realizing na wala na tayong oras. lolz

yaan na

one thing that i hate most but not really hate to the ground,just hate hate as in like it just makes me silent is when everyone seemed to have their own things to do after something have been suddenly moved or when suddenly everyone couldn't give their time to one important supposedly to be done today and they can't do because because. kainis tlga! super but i just kept silent hahayz. it's annoying.

well what could i possibly do i just don't wanna hear more crap so what else but give in. i went to get some groceries with my sister and ate my lunch at 1:30pm,kinda late to some but it was fine i get used to delayed meals. Watta day kc when we were about to approach the cab na naka alley and the driver was about to get our things inside eh may nakiagaw pa ng cab and went inside at umupo but pinabayaan ko nalang well that's how they are and this is me. hahaha Ayos lang naman din baka they have something urgent to catch up.

We went home and i got nga pala a new issue of "real living" uhm kinda cool din ung features yet i'mnot really sold out by this issue parang konte lang kc and mostly traditional designs eh -- mga antique antique and old fashion art deco ung andun. actually di ko pa na titingnan ng mabuti i just got a run thru of it inside the cab.

Ayun pagkadating sabahay linis ng cabinets and fridge and now i'm here infront of the laptop. hahayz.hope it will rain like yesterday na super ulan grabeh ang lakas and may whirlwind pa pero not that big. i jsut love the rain but not the whirlwind coz it is destructive. hehe